Monday, January 19, 2009

Just My Luck

If you know me at all, you will know that above all else, I am rather an unlucky person.
Not much works out for me the way I’d like it to; not job interviews, not nail polish, not diets, or experimental cuisine. My hair has a life of its own and I can’t ever do my signature the same way twice, causing shop keepers to believe I am, in fact, an identity thief when I try to pay by cheque. Waiters very often bring me the wrong food order when I eat out and I’m pretty sure my cat hates me, judging from the way he squirms for freedom when I hold him. I always seem to be the one who picks a suspicious, dark hair from my food and in fact, about two weeks ago when we were eating at my parent’s house, I came across a huge piece of cow fur in my steak pie. Not just one strand of hair either, it was literally a thatch of cow fur attached to cow skin. Gak! Really though, why was that particular part of steak pie on my plate? Why didn’t anyone else get it, why is it always me?

I certainly don’t play the lottery as I never ever win anything (except one time when I was about 8 years old and in Mrs Pegg’s class and I entered a hard-boiled-egg-painting competition. But the sad truth is I only won that competition because I painted my two eggs as cats and named them after Mrs Pegg’s real life cats, which was admittedly a pathetically obvious bid to win over the teacher’s affections and in the end, even though I did win a Barbie Easter egg, I would rather not have won that prize at all because the other children were calling me a Teacher’s Pet for a long time afterwards, which kind of reinforces the whole unlucky idea). Scratch cards are another pointless pursuit for me. All I end up with is three non-matching symbols and a pile of silver stuff stuck under my nails because I couldn’t find a coin to scratch with.

As if I wasn’t unlucky enough with all that going on, my body gets in on the game too. I am always the one to get strange, unheard of embarrassing ailments, such as black spots, symmetrical spots, and, of course, the mysterious case of cutaneous tuberculosis. The fact that one of the many symptoms of the latter was a massive lesion that covered my entire nose - turning it as red as a clown’s - sums up my life perfectly. I am a bit of a clown, let’s just be honest about it.

The thing is though, even after all that, I don’t like to complain about life too much because in the grand scheme of things I am extremely lucky for all that I have. I have love and family and friends and enough money and all my limbs are intact. I’m not blind or deaf and I have my health back almost as good as new. It is because of all of these things, I feel, that I have such bad luck in the small, day-to-day sense, where no matter what I do, I make an ass of myself or a bird poos on my new jacket or something ridiculous like that.

There is some kind of force, which is stronger than I am, dictating that I be in the wrong place at the wrong time. So I have just had to make peace with the fact that I am and always will be a wee bit of an eejit. A lovable eejit, as my grandpa once said, but an eejit all the same.

Which is why I’m trying to laugh at the fact that this weekend I got in a car with a complete stranger, thinking it was FP, and began shouting at him in English. Where the hell have you been? I said, angrily buckling my seatbelt. I’ve been waiting in the rain for ages, I’m bloody soaked through, I screeched as I flung my handbag on the backseat and crossed my arms. Arrrghhhh I roared for extra effect. And when I turned to my left and saw an extremely confused, frightened man in his 50’s cowering away from me, I thought I was literally going to pass out from shock. I grabbed my handbag and uttered some words of apology before jumping out of the car as fast as I could, spotting monsieur FP sitting in his Nissan on the other side of the road, chuckling away.

It was the exact same car. The exact same colour. Sitting in the space where FP often parks. Now if that isn’t proof that I’m unlucky, then I don’t know what is.


Loth said...

Okay, that beats the time I berated a complete stranger for having put weird crap in my shopping trolley in Sainsbury's before I realised it was not my trolley and he was not my husband.

doow said...

Clearly those in charge of fortune know that you have a blog and have decided to grant you the good fortune of always having a variety of blog material to hand.
Your latest made me chuckle.

Stavroulix said...

I has happened to me too, don't worry. Once I got in a stranger's car thinking it was my dad's. It was exactly the same, and the man resembled my dad!
However, since you are in France...wouldn't you have to turn to your..left? to spot the man I mean. You're still thinking in Scottish terms :)

Andromeda said...

I always do the thing in stores where you start talking to the person near you, thinking it's the person you came with, but alas, no, you turn your head and see it'ss a stranger who is giving you funny looks and you run away to hide behind something.

There's also the time I tried to bise AND hug my new hairstylist. Though that's just me being normal and awkward.

That is really funny about the car though. And you didn't put it here, but I always liked the story where you took the wrong suitcase at the airport. It is not at all unlucky that you can laugh about these situations, it means they'll never really get you down!

Kim said...

I think your misfortune is a way to make others laugh... that sounds horrible doesn't it, but I mean it in the nicest possible way! I love reading your blog because it is so funny! like when you tried to pull the hair on your co-worker! Birds ALWAYS poo on me, and in a way that others would know, how come I'm never alone when this happens? And like Andromeda, I always strike up conversations with people I think are the friend standing next to me but in fact is a complete stranger. At least you can laugh about it, that is the best part!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Loth when I read that I burst out laughing, like, really loud. That is so funny, and so easy to do! I'm glad I'm not the only one to mistake a stranger for someone else!

Doow indeed, I always feel better after one of these embarrassing episodes when I remind myself that I can write it on my blog.

Stavroulix ah yes, you are right my friend. I would have turned to my left. I hate to admit this, but I have problems working out my left from my right...My only excuse is that I'm blonde! And also, I am SO glad that it happened to you too! Not in a nasty way but it makes me feel a whole lot better!

Andromeda haha I often do that too, although I've taken to looking around me before I open my mouth and blabber away in the supermarket now. As I said, I spend a lot of my time trying to avoid these situations. As for la bise and hug for your hairdresser, well I totally get you on that one! It's so hard to know when you must and must not do la bise, isn't it! Don't worry, it's better to be over friendly than not friendly enough, unless you are a pervy man of course! (Oh and I'd forgotten about the suitcase at the airport! Arrrgh that gives me a big cringey feeling in my chest!)

Kim I used to get so upset about it all, but now that I know how to laugh about it and I know that when I share these stories with others and it gets a laugh out of them too, I realise that actually it's quite a good thing at the end of the day. ANyway I always say that if you can't laugh at yourself then what can you laugh at? :-)

*Trying hard not to think of the nipple hair* !

T.D. Newton said...

Oh man, that is hilarious!! That happened to me once but, admittedly, I was like 8 years old so it probably doesn't count. Don't feel too embarrassed, though; obviously if it was raining then you couldn't see as well and you were just frantically trying to get into a car no matter whose it was. I guess just appreciate that the guy was embarrassed instead of angry or psychopathic, eh?

I think having your "bad luck" has given you the ability to look on the bright side (which a lot of people do NOT have, believe me). A lot of these things, nipple hairs included, are just things that happen to us... if you believe in luck then you blame luck, if you believe in karma then you blame that. Frankly, we all have our embarrassing moments (some of us more frequently than others, like when a 100 pound dog let loose peeing all over my pant leg and boot at the dog park this past Sunday), but we also have our triumphs and moments of absolute brilliance.

Not to mention, situations like that just make it easier to make people laugh. And if you can make people laugh, that's always good luck.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

TD a very good input as always. It's as though bad luck like that is actually good luck in disguise. Which I can't complain about since I do feel as though I can't take myself too seriously these days as I would probably explode if I couldn't laugh at all the wee things that go wrong for me.

A dog pee'd all over you? *stifles laughter* you poor thing! Don't worry, I heard somewhere that that is good luck in some countries!

T.D. Newton said...

It might be good luck in some countries, but in America it is just plain embarrassing. Then again, I was at a dog park, and it's a lot like stepping in a pile of poop (which I, thankfully, have not done so far).

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Ha! Talking of which I stepped in a pile of poo today!

You have to admit, dogs peeing on people is quite funny. Except when it's you of course...

T.D. Newton said...

Everything is funny until it happens to you. Well, except stepping in poo - that's not funny, just stinky.

KatduGers said...

Hi, there's a blog award waiting for you on my blog! We survived the storms that battered SW France and Spain over the weekend, but it was interesting!
Hope your job search is going well.
Kat x

Esa said...

Just checking in to see what you've been up to, and, as always, you made me laugh...not to mention totally identify with you. I once went up to the back of a man I thought was my husband and slid my hands into his pants pockets. I don't know who was more embarrassed, me or him!

Thanks for the grin.