The other day, as I was sitting in front of the tv watching re-runs of Friends (dubbed over with the voices of crap French actors) and eating Nutella from the jar, I wondered aloud if there wasn't a way I could fake being thin. After all, we can fake big boobs, fake our hair colour, fake long lashes, even the colour of our lashes and eyebrows, the colour of our skin, we can fake almost everything, and yet, bar wearing those body sock things (that no one should be seen dead in, by the way) or paying lots of hard earned cash for liposuction, we haven't worked out how to fake being thin.
FP sat down on the sofa beside me and took the jar of Nutella from my hand.
"You know," he said. "The first night we spent together as a couple, do you remember it?"
I smiled at him. "Of course I do, baby." I grabbed for the Nutella jar but he pulled it from my reach. "How could I forget our first night together?" Again I made a grab for it, but missed.
"Before we went to sleep you took out the jelly from your bra." He continued.
"Chicken fillets," I corrected him, licking the last smears of Nutella from the spoon I still held in my hand.
"And then you took out your clip-on hair."
I nodded. "My hair extensions, yes."
"And then you took out your blue contact lenses and put them in the bin."
I smiled, the memories flooding back from that night. "Yes," I nodded. "And you kept saying you couldn't sleep because you felt like they were watching you."
"And then you took off your make up..." FP smiled, shaking his head. "And then you took off those spider things that go on your eyes."
"The fake eyelashes..." I was beginning to get disgruntled.
"And then - "
"Okay, okay I get the point!" I cried. "You were scared I was going to take off my mask to reveal a hideous monster. I faked it too much that night, I get it!"
He shook his head, smiled and put the jar of Nutella on the coffee table with a resounding clunk. With one finger he wiped chocolate remains from my lip.
"That wasn't what I was going to say..."
I raised my eyebrows at him.
"And then I saw the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, who had been hiding underneath all that fakey-ness."
My body melted into his arms like Nutella on my tongue. "I don't want you to be fakey," FP said, pulling back from me and tucking a stray hair behind my ear. "I love the natural you. I love your real eyes and your real hair and your real eyelashes and your real boobs and your real everything. I don't want Barbie, I never did."
"You love the natural me?" I asked, to hear it once again.
He nodded, that cheeky, lop-sided grin of his spread across his face.
"Even my natural fat?"
"Especially your natural fat." His face serious.
But even after being told he loved my fat, I didn't reach for the Nutella. Instead, I covered him in kisses and worked off the calories I'd just consumed.