Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Just like them

Sometimes, when I’m sitting on the train on the way home from work, when my ipod is playing the soundtrack to my life into my ears and the Parisian sun is shining through the smeared windows, I get to thinking. I think about all the wonderful things that are happening in my life at the moment and how they came to be. I look around me and I see the French people, the businessmen, the office workers, the students, and I can’t help but smile, even though everyone knows that only crazy people smile to themselves in public places. Because I am just like them now.

This time last year I was dreaming of this very life. I dreamt of living in France, of having a job, of coming home to an apartment that I shared with my man, and of having my health. It doesn’t sound like a particularly special or exciting life, but I knew what I wanted and that was a normal life. Well here is my normal life.

Sometimes it just kind of hits me how much I have changed in the past several months and I can’t quite believe how great things are working out for me (touch wood). I mean, I’m living in a lovely apartment with my sweet, kind, loyal boyfriend and my pussy chat (he arrived last week) in Versailles. I have a not-so-shabby job and I’m earning my own money and I can now speak French well enough that I have real French girlfriends who can’t speak a word of English. And I’m only missing home when I think about it too much.

But what really gets me is the fact that if you rewind only a few months further back in my life to October 2007 and compare myself now with myself then, you would be forgiven if you thought it was two different people. Back then, with my bad health and a disfiguring lesion on my face, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t talk to strangers without my body trembling so badly that my head shook. My head! Have you ever heard the like? Well I would never have believed that someone’s head can shake with nerves either but I assure you, it can and it’s horrible. I suffered from horrible panic attacks and depression and had no self confidence whatsoever. Not any. Zilch.

And now, here I am, living a normal life. Sure, it’s not the life of Riley, it’s not without it’s problems, but it’s a good life all the same and it’s my life and I love it.


T.D. Newton said...

Fantastic to hear that you've attained a level of conscious contentment. I'm starting to think it's only possible in France! (watch Michael Moore's Sicko documentary)

Whether there's a divine plan to it or not, I think our hardships in life teach us to appreciate the good times and fuel our perseverance in the later-on bad times. You just keep that inner strength that helped you survive for so long and know that no matter what happens, ever, you'll be able to get through it.

And never lose your sense of humor. We'd all be worse off if you did.

Samantha said...

Aw, bless. And I have to say, don't be so modest, your life is pretty fantastic right now!!

Zhu said...

Feels good, doesn't it? Well, I'd say you deserved it, although it's too bad you had to go through bits of downs to get to your ups.

I feel happy for you that France makes you happy (and the French, of course. Well, one of them particularly :$ )

Marianne said...

Ah, this is very happy - I'm really impressed you've got yourself a good job and are doing so well - I had a period of illness in my life, so I understand that normal life, and feeling well is a wonderful thing.