Monday, April 28, 2008

The Dentist will see you now..mwhahaha

Sometime last week I found myself in the dentist’s chair. I say I found myself there, but I hadn’t really lost myself to begin with, and the visit was a planned appointment so I suppose I shouldn’t start off this post by making out as though I somehow awoke in a dentist’s surgery, with some pure mental dentist coming at me, laughing hysterically, his head back, mouth wide open, chainsaw buzzing away in his hand like the stories you read in Chat Magazine (“Chiselled to death by mad dentist!”). Nah, this was just an average routine check-up in which I knew exactly where I was and why. (But if you were looking for that kind of story I'd highly recommend Chat Magazine.)

Now, I have a theory about dentists and I’m not just saying this because I really can’t understand anybody who actually chooses a profession where you spend 6 hours a day peering into people’s mouths nor because they still don’t seem to realise that we can’t talk when they have our mouths cranked wide open and their fingers and tools rooting around in there.

I think dentists and dental assistants have ulterior motives. I’ve narrowed it down to them being either
a) aliens sent to study human life form here on earth or
b) secret service agents working for the government, collecting DNA information while simultaneously implanting bugs in our molars to listen to every word we say.

You see it’s the secret language they use to talk to their assistants that gives it away. They talk perfect English to you, making polite conversation, asking how you are, to which you can only reply “nghyaaa” because they have your mouth stretched wide open. But then they turn to their assistant and start reeling things off like, “upper left twenty-three posterior lower bruxism twelve.” And the assistant nods her head, taking down notes. Sometimes I spot a furtive glance between the two, and I wonder what it all means. I try to look for hidden messages, and once – although I may have misunderstood – I thought I heard the words “the orphan’s tears of destruction will come to haunt you” but as I say, that is unconfirmed and it could have just been me getting carried away with my imagination.

So there I was, sometime last week, lying on the dentist’s chair, head back, mouth open, trying to answer the dentist’s questions while she dug about in my mouth with a metal tool that I like to call ‘The Claw’.

“Are you comfortable there, [Princesse]?”

“Nghuyu,” I replied.

She then began the secret dentist speak, while a little pool of drool formed under my chin. “Lower right fifteen, upper calcumite stanta, maxilla and mandila five, nill occlussal quadrant upper right and lower left bravo oscar…third molar nill, endo fleurides, anterior gingival twelve lower left…”

She paused for a moment, before making eye contact with the dental assistant. A small smile began to spread across her lips as she said slowly and clearly, “virgin teeth.”

Virgin teeth?!

Now that’s what I’m talking about! Scary dentist language!


T.D. Newton said...

Jargon is weird but it's good that you can remember it so accurately. I'm down with your theories about them. Going to the dentist is just weird. One ad campaign on the radio for this dentist is touting drugging you up with sedatives so you don't get anxious in the chair. Seriously, people, for a dental exam you need drugs??

I once heard that dentists have the #1 suicide rate in America because their job is so depressing (all they do is cause people pain). Not sure how much truth there is to that, though.

T.D. Newton said...

On a side note, I just want to share that the stupid verification text image has gotten about 10 times harder to read today. I've failed about 10 of them so far this morning trying to comment on various blogs. Grr.

Lis of the North said...

My dentist in Scotland must have been a senior level spy because he could actually decipher all the "nghaguh" one says with one's mouth stretched open. He would follow up your "nghaguh" with another question that clearly indicated he'd understood!
In France they don't speak the secret code, you'll be relieved to hear.
I love going to the dentist. Especially now I don't have wisdom teeth any longer.

PS word verif is gnftfokkh. How appropriate :)

Loth said...

My dentist kindly informed me last time I went that my 3 wildy misplaced and deformed wisdom teeth need to come out. General anaesthetic, week off work, the lot. But on the plus side, I won't be awake to hear the weird doublespeak!!

Loth said...

PS: I want a prize - a fluffy toy, a souvenir keyring, SOMETHING for passing that word verification thing first time!

Lis of the North said...

Loth I had my wisdom teeth out not that long ago. It hurt (sorry). But I got to be asleep to not hear the dentist-code-talk. Hmm. I like the dentist, but not the oral surgeon.

EXQUiSiTE SOUL said...

HAHAH Virgin teeth ?! wow.