Friday, February 29, 2008

Big Pants

I made an arse of myself.

You won't be surprised to hear that I suppose. Every time I think about it I get waves of cringe pains. Cringe contractions. It's killing me! Really interrupting my day to day life. I can't stop thinking about it and every time the thought enters my head I have to say something random out loud like 'three holes in the cement' to avert my thoughts and to confuse my brain.

I went to see my dermatologist in Edinburgh this past week and the last thing you expect at the dermatologist's is an up-the-frock examination, n'est ce pas? But apparently she just wanted to check my groinular area for 'lymph nodes' - whatever they are. So I lay down on the examination couch and prepared myself for some poking and prodding when Dr Dermatologist asked politely, 'may I lift your dress?'

I nodded, yes. Only then did I remember what I'd hastily dressed myself in that morning. The jersey dress I'd slipped on is woolen and extremely clingy, so I decided to borrow my mum's weird and slightly scary control pants. If you've never worn control pants then a) you're lucky and b) they are massive, look like tight bloomers, are made of lycra and have a 'panel' to suck everything in. Very large, very ugly contraption that should never see the light of day. Bridget Jones eat your heart out. I was in a rush to get out of the house that morning and I'd already put on my underwear and tights so I slipped - actually slipped is not the appropriate word...perhaps wriggled? Struggled? Wrestled? - the huge ugly control pants on over my tights and set out on my way.

So there I was, lying on a doctor's examination bed, raising my bum in the air and lifting my dress and I thought to myself, 'I'd better warn her'.

'I'm wearing my mum's control pants.' I said just as the Doc clocked my strange get up. She just smiled at me and said 'that's nice, yes they're...lovely...'

I'd like to strangle the person who writes my lines, they need to be fired. Why did I feel the need to share the fact that they were my mum's pants?! Why?! Now my dermatologist thinks I share my mum's undergarments!

Oh cringe cringe cringe!


T.D. Newton said...

Why are your embarrassing moments always hilarious?? I feel doubly bad because I feel sorry for you and because I think it's so damn funny... but seriously those last lines just made the moment.

As if you needed another bad doctor experience, am I right?

Lis of the North said...

Oh Princesse, you're such a babe!

Zhu said...

It's okay, don't worry about it! Yeah, a bit embarrassing... wear something nice next time in contrast!

That could totally happen to me so thanks for the reminder - always have nice underwear! :D

sylvie d said...

for some weird reasons I could really picture it and yes...that was hilarious!!! :-)
Oh and thanks for the banner, you are one of the rare for whom it works;-)

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Shame on you TD for laughing at my misfortune! No, I'm kidding, the only reason I don't cry from all the embarrassing moments in my life is because I get to share it with you lot and make some people smile!

And yes you are totally right, I definitely did not need another bad doctor experience. And what makes it worse is that this one - my dermatologist - is a woman I see ALL THE BLOODY TIME. I mean, she will probably be coming to my wedding, she's been in my life ever since I fell ill and oh God now she thinks I wear my mum's knickers. AND ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY TIGHTS.

Cringe Contraction!!!!

Lis I know darlin' amn't I just so poised and chic and everything a lady should be?! lol... xx

Zhu yes! Learn from my mistakes. The don't just tell you to always wear nice clean underwear in case you get in an accident and have to go to the hospital and get cut out of your clothes in front of dishy doctors for the good of their health you know. Take heed!

Sylvie I love the banner it's great and looks lovely and all I had to do to make it work was replace all the inverted commas! Should work for everyone else too!

Ghosty said...

Check your email. I didn't have the heart to post it here! hahaha

Anonymous said...

Oh that's so funny! Poor you xx

Jane said...

Oh my little lovely. Cringey moments abound with you don't they? Nevermind, at least the doc was a she not a he, and she'll understand the need for the odd "odd" underwear moment. Every woman has been there, and anyone who says she hasn't probably needs therapy! And, I'll guarantee that she's seen worse. At least it wasn't something kinky...Imagine if you'd been down to your last clean pair of knicks, and they were the kind you don't put in the wash for your mum to see...

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Ghosty SO glad you did not post that here!

Jane you make a very good point. Thank feck I was wearing big pants when I could have been wearing a teensy wee bum floss contraption aka a thong. After all, it has been a long time since I've 'groomed' that area and I wouldn't like her to get lost amidst all that fur. (I am, of course, talking about my leg area...) :-D

Passementerie said...

Oh darling, I can see how one might think "Aha - passing the guilt on to my mother will make this less mortifying..." only to realise how wrong one is when the words actually come out... ;) Poor love. As for fur, it would be irresponsible and probably dangerous to remove *any* natural advantages against the cold in Scotland before May at the earliest.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Hahaha! mais oui passementerie you are, of course, correct. The Lord giveth hairy legs and other areas for a reason. Especially if the hairy legs in question live in Scotland!

Jamie Lovely said...

hahah oh my gosh!

i found you in 20SB. Hi!

Le Meg said...

Ha - that's hilarious! Great story.

Anonymous said...

Cringe is right. But you made me giggle!