I made an arse of myself.
You won't be surprised to hear that I suppose. Every time I think about it I get waves of cringe pains. Cringe contractions. It's killing me! Really interrupting my day to day life. I can't stop thinking about it and every time the thought enters my head I have to say something random out loud like 'three holes in the cement' to avert my thoughts and to confuse my brain.
I went to see my dermatologist in Edinburgh this past week and the last thing you expect at the dermatologist's is an up-the-frock examination, n'est ce pas? But apparently she just wanted to check my groinular area for 'lymph nodes' - whatever they are. So I lay down on the examination couch and prepared myself for some poking and prodding when Dr Dermatologist asked politely, 'may I lift your dress?'
I nodded, yes. Only then did I remember what I'd hastily dressed myself in that morning. The jersey dress I'd slipped on is woolen and extremely clingy, so I decided to borrow my mum's weird and slightly scary control pants. If you've never worn control pants then a) you're lucky and b) they are massive, look like tight bloomers, are made of lycra and have a 'panel' to suck everything in. Very large, very ugly contraption that should never see the light of day. Bridget Jones eat your heart out. I was in a rush to get out of the house that morning and I'd already put on my underwear and tights so I slipped - actually slipped is not the appropriate word...perhaps wriggled? Struggled? Wrestled? - the huge ugly control pants on over my tights and set out on my way.
So there I was, lying on a doctor's examination bed, raising my bum in the air and lifting my dress and I thought to myself, 'I'd better warn her'.
'I'm wearing my mum's control pants.' I said just as the Doc clocked my strange get up. She just smiled at me and said 'that's nice, yes they're...lovely...'
I'd like to strangle the person who writes my lines, they need to be fired. Why did I feel the need to share the fact that they were my mum's pants?! Why?! Now my dermatologist thinks I share my mum's undergarments!
Oh cringe cringe cringe!