Last christmas I vowed that if I was still in bad health by christmas 2007 I would kill myself.
I said it in desperation, a cry for help.
But I meant it.
Unless there occurs nothing short of a miracle between now and the 25th December, it doesn't look as though I'll be 'fixed' by my deadline. But I can't end it all, can't give up just yet, because I still hold the tiniest flame of hope that the tuberculosis medication will be the answer. I also have one boy who I love with all my heart - probably too much - and I can not leave him. And my parents. My poor parents who have fought so hard against this illness, fought for me when I had no strength left to fight for myself.
I can't give up yet.
But I can't go on much longer like this. Not another year. I don't want to share a fourth christmas with hospitals and illness, medication and hopelessness. Right now I feel like I'm holding onto life by the thinnest thread. The part of me that is tired of fighting is pulling me into an abyss, a comforting, warm blanket of nothingness, and then there is the small part of me who wants to keep on fighting, who is determined to wait it out, it pulls me in the opposite direction and it's painful. My parents are there too, and so is FP, pulling me back out of the abyss, into real life, where everything hurts, it's bright and loud, but beautiful too. And sometimes I get mad at them for loving me, for keeping me alive, in this world which has been so unfair to me lately.
I don't know if this is selfish to ask, but if you are religious, if you pray, to any God, please could you spare a prayer for me? The God I pray to seemed to stop listening to me a long time ago.
And I am so very sad.
Friday, November 23, 2007