Friday, November 23, 2007

Holding Onto Life By A Thread

Last christmas I vowed that if I was still in bad health by christmas 2007 I would kill myself.

I said it in desperation, a cry for help.

But I meant it.

Unless there occurs nothing short of a miracle between now and the 25th December, it doesn't look as though I'll be 'fixed' by my deadline. But I can't end it all, can't give up just yet, because I still hold the tiniest flame of hope that the tuberculosis medication will be the answer. I also have one boy who I love with all my heart - probably too much - and I can not leave him. And my parents. My poor parents who have fought so hard against this illness, fought for me when I had no strength left to fight for myself.

I can't give up yet.

But I can't go on much longer like this. Not another year. I don't want to share a fourth christmas with hospitals and illness, medication and hopelessness. Right now I feel like I'm holding onto life by the thinnest thread. The part of me that is tired of fighting is pulling me into an abyss, a comforting, warm blanket of nothingness, and then there is the small part of me who wants to keep on fighting, who is determined to wait it out, it pulls me in the opposite direction and it's painful. My parents are there too, and so is FP, pulling me back out of the abyss, into real life, where everything hurts, it's bright and loud, but beautiful too. And sometimes I get mad at them for loving me, for keeping me alive, in this world which has been so unfair to me lately.

I don't know if this is selfish to ask, but if you are religious, if you pray, to any God, please could you spare a prayer for me? The God I pray to seemed to stop listening to me a long time ago.

And I am so very sad.


Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

My prayers are said. I hope you decide not to give up. A lot can happen in a year, but sometimes it seems like nothing happens in a year. I really have hope that the medication will work...soon.

Drew said...

I'll be praying for you. Every year is another gift and a chance to find a cure. Don't give up.

Despina said...

I don't pray, but I believe in you Princesse. Look at everything you've managed to achieve this year. It's been such a journey with you.
But yes, it must feel so hard sometimes. I know that feeling of almost wanting to fall into the abyss, when the world is too bright and scary. It's too hard sometimes to look at the good things in life, when all you can feel is pain.
I feel sad for you. And I totally understand everything you've said. Sometimes you run out of hope. I hope you manage to recover your hope soon.
I should email you, but for now I just want everyone to know that I think you're an amazing girl.
Love xxxxx

Teuchter said...

Oh sweetie.
You are too loved by too many people for them to lose you.

Remember that the darkest part of the night is the bit just before dawn.
If you can just hold on for a bit longer - even just with one tiny, wee pinky nail, it will get better.

Shaking a fist at the sky is more my thing than praying - but for you, I'll do a bit of both.

Zhu said...

Oh little girl... I feel sad for you.

I can't pray for you, but I think of you. And I can tell you that I completely understand how you feel, for somewhat different reasons, but I know the wait and the expectations, and failed expectations are tough. So tough.

Some of my friends, and even my on a different level and for different reasons, had had a weird and somewhat sad year as well. My friend lost her baby (miscarriage), and she had troubles after it, still trying to get pregnant. But life takes over and we tell each other that there's hope, a lot of it, and it worth hanging on.

Life is made of bumps and scratches, ups and downs... big downs are usually followed by big ups.

I know it's irrelevant, but the year I did all my paperwork to come to Canada, I felt I couldn't take it anymore. I desperately wanted to live there, but I didn't know how long it was going to take to have the whole stuff processed, I had heard horror stories of people waiting for years, I had gone applied for all the visas you can imagine... I know it sounds silly compared to health problem, but you know, I was just 19 and I felt powerless facing the bureaucracy.

And eventually, I had an happy ending, things got easier than I thought, I was lucky too.

I think of you and remember... it's always ups and downs, the best is to come.

sylvie d said...

Princesse, Like Zhu I can't pray, hopeless really, I have had times in my life when I questionned the reasons of being there, I can't understand what you are going through
but you are right it is not just about you, think of all the people round you that love you. I lost my best friend who decided to end her life and to this day I will carry the weight of her death with me.
I am thinking of you. ;-)

SG said...

Hello Princesse,
Hang on in there...
Thinking of you

Zannie said...

This made me cry. Keep strong petal. Love you. x x x (p.s. Pizza and giggles on the way tonight...)

Heather said...

*hugs* Don't you dare give up!

I can empathize, because even though our situations are different, I've been depressed for various reasons -- including health -- for awhile, too. I know how it can feel like it's holding your down, trapping you -- but do whatever you can to fight against it.

I'm wondering if you're getting or have considered therapy. It's not uncommon for people with chronic heath problems to succumb to depression, and it could do you A LOT of good to talk to someone about what you're going through. Think about it.

Lots and lots of good thoughts coming your way.

sugar007 said...

Princesse, you will definitely be in my prayers!!

joy suzanne said...

Oh, you dear girl! Don't give up just yet. I've just scrolled down from the latest post and I don't know your whole story, but it's clear that you're in a lot of pain and you're tired out...

You're a wonderful writer. I don't pray but I'm thinking of your story tonight and I'm hoping you'll have an answer and a treatment that works very soon.

Merry Christmas to you...

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Sugar thank you so much, I so appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry this reply is v late, blogger has been playing up recently so I was never told I had received this comment from you. Sorry!

Hello there Joy Suzanne (you have a really beautiful name. Welcome! And thank you so much for the sweet words, it means so much to me. Thankfully since I wrote this post I found a new well of strength to dip into , so I'm not feeling as desperate as I was when I wrote this piece. Perhaps it's due to all the wonderful and kind comments and thoughts and little emails that I have received from readers and strangers alike that have helped me to see the world isn't all bad, and that there is always a reason to keep on fighting, especially when you feel you have so many people behind you, rooting for you. You sound like a really sweet and thoughtful person, all my best wishes to you this christmas and have a wonderful new year (I'm hoping 2008 will be the best year EVER for everyone!!!)!