Monday, September 10, 2007

Wake Me Up, When September Ends


It’s around this time of year when my health seems to take a turn for the worse. From September to January my body just seems to get weaker and weaker, and I find myself having to fight one hundred billion times harder just to get out of bed in the morning.

The past few weeks have been tres oxymoron-y. It was supposed to be The Beginning. I was in Beauvais searching for a place to live, and a wee jobby that would give me some sort of income to support my dirty secret habit of shopping. (Coincidentally I spent my 300 euros meant for a deposit on an apartment on clothes and shoes. Naughty Princesse). But then September rolled around and I was struck down with crippling pain and a vague realisation that my health was in decline. Again.

Took a plane yesterday back home, where the rude little girl who sat in front of me insisted on twisting her head around and staring at my fecked up face for the entire journey from Paris to Glasgow. By the time I got off the plane I felt like shooting myself. Luckily, the lovely Mr and Mrs Ecossais were waiting for me in Arrivals, to avoid any Throwing Oneself In Front Of A Bus episodes.

The Drugs Don’t Work, They Just Make You Worse

You see, it turns out that I have made an anti-body against Infliximab; the ingenious drug that I started a few months ago which had a dramatic effect for the first ten days before everything became much, much worse. Would you believe it? I suppose I tempted fate by allowing myself to believe that it might just be the end of my difficulties. What a fecking eejit I was.

My body has really let me down. It does everything wrong. The fact that my own immune system is attacking itself is an indication that it’s effed up, but the fact that it creates bloody anti-bodies to certain substances that are supposed to save my health once and for all just drives me insane. Why, for one time in my life, can’t my body just do the right thing?

When God made me, he was obviously having an off day. Maybe he’d been out on the raj the night before, had a severe hangover and didn’t take his hair o’ the dug.

Paperback Shite-er

Anyway, enough complaining. I’m sure you didn’t come here to read about my dire loss of hope or my fierce and overwhelming sadness. No, I’m sure you probably arrived here because you like the pinkness of the layout, or perhaps you wanted to read some hideously embarrassing and cringey anecdote that make regular appearances here. Well you can read that here.

And here’s a laugh for you; I’m writing a novel (a novel!)! Seeing as I’m an unemployed sick person with hideous disfiguring lesions that scare small children, I figured what better hobby than one that means I don’t have to leave the safety of my very own bed? So, although I don’t expect I’ll actually ever get a novel finished (maybe not even the first chapter) because I have the attention span of a goldfish, I thought it would keep me busy. So I’m writing a book for the laugh.


T.D. Newton said...

You rock, Princesse, and we appreciate you sharing whether it is high or low.

I'm glad you're at least planning to channel your energy rather than just wallowing in your feelings. Writing can feel really good if you enjoy what you're working on and are excited about what your characters will do next. It takes a lot of work but if you build up momentum it gets easier as you go along.

Let me know if/when you get to 50,000 words.

ColbyPants said...

Actually today I came to see if you were still alive and posting (which you are, good! and to ask about Remicade (as my girlfriend is a nurse and administers it on occasion. But it doesnt seem to be helping you these days, so we'll save that for another time).

I am sorry your not doing so hgot, I hope you feel better soon. Also I wanna read the book!


Teuchter said...

Have a hug from someone else whose immune system is effed-up.

I think of mine as being a lion who needs to have a whip and a chair brandished at it at all times to make it bloody well behave, or at least sit in the corner a bit more quietly.

And I'm sending a cyber clip round the lug to the child on the plane - and its parent, who obviously wasn't making sure it sat on its arse. Perhaps some whip and chair action needed there too?

Good luck with the writing.
I hope things quieten down again soon.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Lovely, lovely comments! It's been quite a while since I've written on the blog, forgot how theraputic it can be, and how pleasing it is when lovely people leave comments!

The writing is going slowly but surely, and is very very fun! It helps me think about other things, nicer things and I'm excited for it. I live in my own wee world most of the time and writing a fictational story is great - I can immerse myself in a whole make believe world!

TD, soon your wedding!! I bet things are busy over there chez vous! Hope everythings going well!

Tom I didn't know your girlfriend is a nurse! Cool - I adore nurses - they're my bezzie mates man, considering the amount of time I hang out with them! :-p I've nothing bad to say about remicade actually, I think it's wonderful stuff, really magic, it's just my body is the problem, having created a defence mechanism against it. Everyone at my clinic seem to get on really well with it, but I'm the only one who suffers from sarcoidosis, they are all rheumatoid arthritis patients.

I've still been keeping up with your blog - Good on ye for all the posts on celtic - you've kept ME in the know while I'm in Paris!!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Hey teuchter my darling! How is the methotrexate working for you?

Isn't the immune system a big fat ass sometimes? But it's so NICE to talk to other people who have been there and understand.

A clip round the lug is certainly what that ridiculous little child needed. When she wasn't staring at me she was screaming to some one in her party sitting at the other end of the plane. Good grief, she couldn't have been French could she, she had to be a friggin weegie.

doow said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry that your body has turned on you.
Small children like that need, I don't know what they need, but they need something. Hanging out on the wing of the aeroplane perhaps. It's the starers that you can't do anything with, who don't respond at all to anything you do, who are the worst.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

I totally agree doow - normally when my eyes meet those of the starer's they look away, embarrassed that they've been caught. But children, and the occasional adult eejit who stare and stare and stare and continue to stare even when your making eye contact with them are the worst. It's very rude, and very awkward. I find myself becoming really self conscious and nervous when I feel their eyes boring into me!

Despina said...

Oh Princesse, I want to hug you so much right now.
Courage, ma cherie.

ColbyPants said...

Yeah Carrie says they treat rheumatoid arthritics and crohns disease with the Remicade. We were talking about it on Saturday and she's not even entirely sure the FDA in the US has approved it to treat sarcoidosis. Keep the faith, theyll find another plan of attck I am sure.

As for following the Hoop's through my site, YAY! You give me motivation to continue doing it. Over here in the States, American Football season (both NFL and College) is underway so the biggest response I get is, "why are you writing about a soccer team??

because they are badass, clearly. (the Celtic FC Captian, McManus, scored for the Scottish National Team on saturday too, wheeee)

chop chop on the book I wanna read it!

T.D. Newton said...

Yep, the wedding is still 6 weeks away and things are getting more and more exciting. Glad the writing is going well; I have lots of tips on that as you might imagine.

Ghosty said...

Oh Princesse, it's good to hear from you ... and so sorry to hear your immunities have turned traitor. Well, we all know you're beautiful, and we're much smarter than your antibodies!

A novel? There's a worthy persuit! I've always wanted to write a book ... but I also have the attention span of a small animal. I'll want to see what you come up with!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Despina ma puce, *CyBer HuG*!!!

Tom, Carrie's right, they haven't approved infliximab for the treatment of sarcoidosis, not anywhere, which is why it was a big risk for both me and my doctors to do it. But sarcoid works similarly to crohns disease because it's inflammatory so we thought we'd give it a go. And it worked!!! I would expect in a few years they might approve it for sarcoid.

Was loving the videos on your blog of The Fields of Athenry - grand!!! Good old Irish song as well; gets you back to your irish roots!

TD give me all the tips you have for writing! What happens when you realise you're not sure where the story is going? Because I didn't actually have a 'plan' as such and now I'm lost. booooo.

Ghosty man good to hear from you too! Well, my antibodies are particularly dumb, so I suppose you are all much cleverer than them; I'll believe you then althugh thusands wouldn't!

T.D. Newton said...

There's no one right way to write a novel. You don't NEED a plan. What I'd say to that is, "Who cares if the story isn't going anywhere?" It's not all about story --- sometimes it is just about the characters and how they change and develop. Ask yourself what your characters want and what they're doing to get it. Answer those questions and you have a book on your hands.

And my Initial Draft blog has tips on writing (occasionally).

Saffron said...

I can't wait to read your nobel!
I'm sure you'll soon find the way to write something really special. I believe you have the right skills to become a great author!

sugar007 said...

Big hugs to you, and remember whenever you are feeling rather crappy, you can vent on your blog and know that there will be people on hand to build you back up..

Stratford Girl said...

Also sending you a cyber-hug.
Good luck with the book :-)

Lis of the North said...

Oh petite princesse don't be triste. Well, easy for me to say but I wouldn't like to think of you being sad and feeling down. Imagine one of the aircraft windows suddenly breaking and that horrible little child being sucked out into the upper reaches of the atmosphere! Obviously this fantasy does not require de-pressurisation of the cabin or those mask things that are supposed to pop out from above your head.
Chin up babe x

Betty C. said...

Say anything you want on your blog! That's what they're for...

Hey, my daughter will be taking a trip to Scotland next year with the music class from her lycée...

Teuchter said...

Hope you're ok, princesse.

Don't think I'm the only one who's worrying about you having gone awful quiet.

Despina said...

Miss you darling. I hope everything's ok. In a virtual sense I'm next to you on a comfy sofa, drinking wine, eating chocolate, talking about boys and watching old episodes of sex and the city. Love you babes xxx

Kevin D said...

I hope you are well, I know what it feels like regarding the stares, I got Chicken Pox real bad aged 27! I had to travel up to London in rush hour, saying that, at least I got a seat, in fact a carriage!

Get well soon and keep the blogging up.

Despina said...

Awww babes. Have some love -()-

Zhu said...

Okay, first of all I'm sure you look anything but hideous. You just don't have the looks for it ;)

It's okay to complain about your health, you have every right to. It's frustrating to have problem and to feel powerless about it.

But you have lovely parents and a loving French, so take some time with them and get better !

Wish you all the best :)

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Thankyou everyone thankyou so much for the lovely messages! I've been away from cyberspace for a wee while; I took a bad reaction to Infliximab, and also came down with a hideous virus at the same time so had to take a wee stay at the hospital.

So many of you sent me lovely personal emails to ask if I was alright and God you have no idea how touching that was. You're all so very sweet and I love you all!

I think, although I can't be certain, that normal blogging shall commence again very soon.

Despina said...

Awww babes. I'm so sorry that all this crap is landing on you.

We love you and your pink fluffy blog and we just want everything to be ok!

Love and a virtual magic wand,

Me xxx

Lord Likely said...

I hope you regain your strength soon, my dear.

A few shots of whisky usually sorts me out!

T.D. Newton said...

September's nearly over. Hope you wake up soon.

Getty72 said...

Hey Princesse, I truly hope you are feeling better now compared to when you first wrote this post. You certainly seem to be going through the wars at the moment. One thing to remember - after a low there is ALWAYS a high... if you're not on a high yet, trust me when I say it is just around the corner.

Wishing you all the very very best, 'cause you deserve nothing but the best.

Take care, from and English guy who wishes you well and happy!!!