Monday, August 20, 2007

A Special Invitation

This post is not for the boys!

This morning the nurse was on the phone actually inviting me in for a…SMEAR TEST.

‘You’re invited for a smear test.’ She said.

Oh goody! Lucky me! How exciting to be invited to have a smear test, I’m absolutely honoured. I must be moving up in the world. Everyone who’s anyone will be there.

I’ve been putting it off since April. And, to be honest, as any doctor or nurse who looks at my medical file loves to point out with an accusing tone of voice, I have never been. Not once. I have made appointments, oh yes. But something always 'came up'. Yes, all five times. I know, I know I’m bad. But the thought of having a nurse peer between my legs and poke something referred to as a ‘brush’ or a ‘spatula’ in my …er…well, you know…and ‘scrape’ some cells out makes me want to die. I’ve vomited a tiny wee bit in my mouth just thinking of it.

And have you seen the contraption they use?! (look above). I mean for heaven’s sake! You’d think with all the technology they have these days they’d be able to make it look a little less threatening.

It's not easy being a girl.


Anonymous said...

I completely sympathise. Smear tests are awful ... Be brave!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

argh! You're supposed to tell me they're not that bad! :-( Nothing to be afraid of. Don't feel a're supposed to say that! hehe...

The Horns and the Hawk said...

they should put some eyes and bunny ears on it. it would be less threatening then.

i came to this conclusion without reading your blog...

i'm sorry. i read your blog.

Gordon Scott said...

Keep bobbing and weaving kid. I think you're an incredibly brave person with everything you're going through. Thank goodness you're Scottish - just think how much worse you'd be feeling if you had to cope with being anything other than a member of the Greatest Race on God's Green Earth. I know it's hard to be optimistic at this point but believe me, in a few years this will be nothing but a memory. Viva Scotia.

Teuchter said...

You've been putting it off since April?
I managed to put it off for eight years - and the longer I procrastinated, the bigger a deal it became. In the end it was a nothing; over and done with very quickly. And you don't even get a glimpse of that ghastly metal contraption. If they're nice, they warm it up for you first.

Tell whoever's doing it that you're extremely apprehensive and they'll no doubt distract you with random banter to take your mind off things.

Good luck.

ps - started on the methotrexate last week - and you were right, it's fine. So far.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Horns & the hawk, you naughty man for reading this girly post! As it happens, I'm also intimidated by large contraptions with rabbit ears.

Gordon, I guess your referring to the moany post I wrote and not this smear test business! Thanks for the kindness, that's really nice and you are totally correct. Thank Goodness I am Scottish!!! :-D

Teuchter - 8 years?! Oh la la!! Well I'm glad you say it was nothing, that was what I was desperate to hear!!

And I'm so gad that the methotrexate is going well so far, I hope it helps!

Despinetta said...

The one they use in smear tests is way less scary than that.
I won't discuss my gynecological experiences on a blog that my boyfriend reads, what I will say is that there are way scarier things they can do to you!
Just stay away from the nurse who gave you "les marques de ruine!"

Eliza said...

naughty naughty.. as a (future)doctor i should tell you once more. you HAVE to go get it done- it's not that bad really.*

* some or all of this may not be true.

sugar007 said...

Oh gosh the dreaded smear test. I have one story to tell you about that contraption they use to open the cervix but I will wait till after you have had it. Honestly the thought of getting it done is much worse that the doing it itself. To make you feel better, they really have seen every kind of 'woman downstairs bits' that can be seen. Yours will be lost in a haze of downstairs bit. A tip for you though try to book the appt for 14 days after your monthly visits because they will get good samples. This really is too-much-info isn't it.

ColbyPants said...

I was gonna illicitly read your post, then saw the work smear and was like:

Nevermind ;)


Lis of the North said...

Oh yuck! Don't want to put you off coming to France, but here the norm is to get contraceptive pills from the gynaecologist not the doc. Yearly visits for an MOT before they deliver the magic prescription. And it's a full internal gyn. examination. And my gyn-obs tells me all what she's doing. Think I'd rather be ignorant and just wait for her to finish.
But on the plus side you know your women bits are being checked out and kept healthy!
Which reminds me, I need to arrange my appointment. Shudder.
Men have no idea.

ColbyPants said...

No idea now, but you dont have to look forward to prostate exams when you get older!

It all evens out.


Jen said...

I TOTALLY relate! I hate going to the girlie doctor! It is the worst! Well, the only thing worse for a modest American like myself is going to a gyno in France! I love this post! It is absolutely hilarious!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Tom don't pretend you didn't read it! I suppose it's obvious since I wrote 'this is not a post for the buys'. Of course the lads were going to read! I should try that more often!

And no! It does NOT all balance out! I'd like to see a man try and push a watermelon out their private parts...Actually no. I wouldn't like to see that atall.

Despina, oh despina! I didn't think about that! God, what if the nurse turns out to be a psycho butcher?! EEEEEEEEE!

Eliza, I'm glad you added in the footnote there, honesty is the best policy... you're going to be such a good doctor!

Sugar! I'm afraid. very afraid. And slightly that wrong?

Lis apparently in France girls start going to the gyno at like age 12!!! wtf?! Why?:'( I think when I'm there I'll still come home to Scotland to be poked and prodded.

Tom, isn't the prostate up the jaksy? (look! I used an american word! Aren't I clever?) why do they go up there?!

Jen, you and Lis have both terrified me with your talk of gynos in France!


(That was me running for the hills)

John C said...

'...have you seen the contraption they use?!'

Uh...girls...not having seen it before. Do they keep their eyes shut, or the cover over their head after they get in the stirrups?

I can say that and read this entry. I got four kids and saw most of 'em 'in'. If I knew 'it' could stretch THAT wide, I would have been more adventuresome in....

...what was I saying?

ColbyPants said...

what on gods green earth is a jaksy??

(thats an american word?)

if that word means butt, then yes, the prostate is. they need to poke up in there to check it. thank goodness i am not that old yet.

ColbyPants said...

ps: i really did stop at "smear:


Despina said...

Don't worry sweetness, it won't be a psycho butcher. (My gyne is a scary hardcore Catholic.)
I found out my ex had been sleeping with a rather disreputable acquaintance. Being a stupid numpty I forgave him - but I made him have all the man tests before I'd go anywhere near him, and when they shoved the CENSORED all the way down his CENSORED he passed out, hahahahahahahaha!
What goes around comes around :)

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Has anyone noticed that blogger has been a total ass these past few days? It's really bugging me man. :-(

John, Oh charming, lovely, adorable John, I really have no response to your comment. Nope. None at all.

Tom I thought jaksy is an american word. I think I heard it in a fim or something. How odd. Although I no doubt spelt it wrong. How about 'jacksie'? 'jacksee'? 'jack c'? No? not ringing any bells?

I'm not sure I feel entirely comfortable talking about prostates and examinations up the bottom. I'm seeing black fuzzy dots thinking about it.

Despina Ballerina! How awful! What a horrible, vie, revolting man. Euch! I'm angry! But ha.ha.ha. to him!

An old wise Scottish saying goes (Read it and weep boys); Ye cannae keep yer todger in yer troosers, then ye deserve tae have some pokey thing up yer pee hole :-D

ColbyPants said...

this is why we invented condoms ppl, so no one shove a tube up your dick.

Miss Despina - you are moewe forgiving than I.

Princesse- never heard of a Jacksy, do you remember what film it was in? And you are okay talking about girly exams, but you draw the line at butts??



T.D. Newton said...

LOL at the old/wise Scottish saying

I think if there's anything in the world to be afraid of, it's a catheter. I believe that was the torture Despina being currently discussed.

Oh, and "ick."

Lis of the North said...

TomC you're right us wimmin don't have prostate exams to savour. But still, I think we got the rough deal when it comes to reproductive matters! Still, at least it's all neatly tucked away teehee.
Princesse I don't know about girls starting so young (!) here, but I did hear a tale of a gyne doing an ultra-sound of a patient's ovaries, but the probe wasn't on her tummy...

T.D. Newton said...

Lis, women will always think they got the rough deal when it comes to child birth. Perhaps in comparison to prostate exams, you did, but it's made up for in other [completely unrelated] ways.

Teuchter said...

I always thought of "jacksie" as being a Weegie* word since that was the first place I heard it.

*Glasgow, for all youse Sassenachs

Princesse Ecossaise said...

That is REALLY odd! IM a weegie!!! How could I mix up a weegie word with being American?!

I have failed as a weegie. :-(

Yes Despina I agree with Tom, you are rather forgiving.

I draw the line at a nurse putting a finger or two up a mans back passage and well whatever they do up there.

TD, I know it wasn't in this post that you left the video but my goodness it was so sweet - I know I'm such a slush puppy but I actually CRIED! Me! Crying! At a video of a man proposing to his girlfriend (she is so beautiful by the way - your a lucky man although Im sure you know it already ;-)) It's lovely, thanks for sharing!

Yes, catheters are certainly things to be afraid of. Oh dear it's a really awful thought. I feel quite ill.

Liiiiissss 'wimmin' love it! I'm always quite appreciative we do have it all nicely tucked away. Always thought that. Yes, we are lucky in that respect.

And OH.My.GoD. Noooo an ultra sound of the ovaries - internally?! Brave woman!

Oh and what are the 'completley unrelated' ways TODD?

T.D. Newton said...

Thanks for your comments about the video and my betrothed; I am infinitely happy to have both.

You have the most hilarious words (weegie???)

The finger-in-the-back-passage is checking for prostate cancer. They have to rub the prostate to see if it is rough (bad) or smooth (good). Gross, eh?

"Completely Unrelated Ways" that compensate for the gender difference? How about stereotypes? Feminism has declared that women are all-powerful and awesome, but men still get all the tough jobs (killing spiders, using power tools, grunting/spitting/farting, generally being unattractive) without resorting to our own -ism. Masculinism should be a real thing and it should have a huge phallic mascot.

Or I could just be warped/crazy.

ColbyPants said...

ia am all for "mascilinism"

I am less excited about your penis mascot, I must say



sylvie d said...

I could start by saying oh that 's just the beginning...but I choose not to! these are unpleasant yet unavoidable little things that a lady has to go through...keep your eyes shut and think of something nice..and do go to the loo first ;-)

Jez said...

I had a doctor rummage around up my rear end recently, and it was pretty bloody unpleasant, I can tell you.

If you say at the top of the post "not for the boys", you can guarantee that we will all read it.

Despina said...

Really Jez? The things you find out by reading other peoples' blogs - you never mentioned this! Oh God, is this where we communicate from now on?
"Visit Princesse's blog for the latest Despina and Jez shock revelations!"
Hahahahahaha I am actually speechless! Had I told you about David and his wandering ways? (Way to get revenge...)
And yes, I was forgiving. Too forgiving.
God Jez, you're funny. Aww, poor baby :(

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Yasss just call me Jeremy Kyle - I get couples talkin' yassssssss!

Jez I love the way you put it; 'I had a doctor rummage up my rear end recently' It's so delightful that you feel you can share this inforomation with us! This is such a close-knit community we've got going on!

walkDownAnnaLane said...

YUCK!!! I hate those horrible exams. My first was very painful. I was 23 at that time, and people said I was too old not to have had one!!! I had put off having one for so long because I was a virgin! I didn't think virgins were supposed to have those things.

Since then, they have gotten better, but still aren't the most fun thing to do with my free time. :-)

Despina said...

Wow Princesse, I see a whole new genre of blogs. Honestly, he talks like that all the time, he is so funny! :)
Well dearest Jez, looks like I'm going to have to take the *CENSORED* back to the charity shop!

(Your comments box should have a special filter for my sense of humour!)

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Anna I didn't think virgins had to have those kind of tests either! Although I suppose maybe things can be affected without sexual contact (as in growths/tumours) argh! I'v o idea now. Why do they make it so complicated?!

Despinaaaa Jez is funny - have you noticed that almost all of the male species are hilarious?! Why is that? Boys are so funny!

ColbyPants said...

by the way, I had a catheter once, after a rather horrific knee injury.