Monday, June 04, 2007

To love...

...You must first learn to love yourself.

There are times when I am aware of my own faults. Times when I realise I am talking too much or laughing too loudly or eating too messily. I wonder where my bad habits came from, like biting the skin on my lips, sucking on my thumb (something I didn’t do as a child) and twisting my hair around my finger.

I’d like to see myself through the eyes of others, to know what good points I can build on and what bad points I can change. To see if I am as brave and strong as FP tells me, or if I have a terribly annoying habit that I haven’t noticed yet. I’d like to know if I’m a nice person, if I come across as kind, or as selfish.

What I’d like to know is if I were someone else, would I like the real ‘Princesse Ecossaise’? Would I like my own company? Or would I learn something about myself that might hurt?

When I look back at my past I hate who I was. There were times that I was certainly not myself, I was someone else, or rather pretending to be someone else. I hate the way I disrespected myself so.

I think, perhaps now, as I am older, wiser, and have found a place in life where I allow myself to be me, I can say I think I would be friends with me.

And perhaps this is why I have finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because by being with him I can be myself and learn to love myself, respect myself in a way that I couldn't before. He is the man who knows the real me. He taught me I am a good person and that it's okay to be me, even if it does mean being different to other people. He taught me that I am worthy of his love and of his time. And by showing me how to love myself, flaws and all, I have found an inner peace that without him, I would not have achieved.

For a less serious post pop over here..!

And for an even soppier post go here..!


Ghosty said...

Now, having read your writings and so forth, I'm sure you're a charming young lady and your FP must be very happy with you. Don't concern yourself with what others think of you. Do you like you? Then that's good enough. Of course, FP's vote counts too. :)

T.D. Newton said...

When I was a troubled and depressed youth I never understood the whole "you have to love yourself first" thing. I dismissed it as egocentric and ridiculous even while I was in the midst of hating myself with a passion.

I'm well past that age and time now and can look back on the person I used to be. If you've got enough insight into yourself then I'm sure you're on the right track.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Aw Ghosty that's lovely!

So TD you went through one of those self hating phases too?

The thing is, if you hate yourself then your bound to make a lot more mistakes, disrespecting yourself, your body, taking drugs, drinking, having sex with strangers etc.

ColbyPants said...

I think everyone goes through some level of the self hating phase, some just won't admit to it.

You go to remembver when you are coming of age (say 16-21) you are still growing up and hormonal and then on top odf that drug and alcohol fuels or whatever and it takes a while after even that to decipher who you really are. The TomC @ 20 was a bit of an asshole, I don't know if I could deal with him now.

That said, as you grow, you got to forgive hwat you've been, especially if thats not you anymore . You arent the bad person anymore and they helped you get where you are today!

T.D. Newton said...

Yes, life isn't easy and it gets harder if you care little about what happens to yourself. It took a lot of years (and a lot of exercise, and a divorce) for me to respect myself and show the confidence that I deserve. The old me never would have been able to finish writing a novel or have the confidence enough to show it to his best friend much less attempt to have it published. We all travel a long way in our lives [internally] and it's when we stop and reflect how far we've come that we show our maturity the most, I think.

I have a lot of dark poetry that I wrote during that "phase" of my life and, though it is mostly romantic, it reminds me just how reckless and stupid I used to be. That's part of the reason it's hard for me to write poetry now; poetry more suits my depression than my happiness.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

It seems that during the growing up process we all go through hell within ourselves.

I went through some funny phases, probably from the age of 12 right up until I was 19. Especially when I was 14 and 15. So this feeling like I know who I am is a new thing. I hope it stays around.

ColbyPants said...

I hope that the self respect aspect remains with you too. I wish I could fast forward five years from now and ask you what you think of the changes you have gone through. It seems 15-30 years old is a very tumultuous time. I mean if you would have told me for example, when I was 19, that I would be living in ohio, and a cigar smoke, I would have laughed at you, and now these things are parts of my everday life.


I ramble (I have been thinking of life and change a lot the last couple days because my Birthday is coming up this week.)


T.D. Newton said...

Humans are beings of growth and change (though it doesn't always seem apparent in some of us). I heard recently that through a cycle of 7 years all of the cells in our bodies are replaced by new ones so nothing of us is left of what it was before. Kind of fascinating and speaks a lot to our nature, don't you think?

Dan said...

When I look back at my past I hate who I was.

Why hate who you were? Today you are the product of every experience you have ever been through. You couldn't be the exact same person you are today had you not been who you were in the past. So loving who you are now means you love who you were back then, right?

Nice blog you have here. I like your writing. You're very sweet.

sylvie d said...

You are a fine lady!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

When's your b'day Tom? Happy Birthday for then!! How old? 27? 28?

TD that is SO WEIRD!!!! I never knew that, it's really odd and slightly scary. I believed everything that was me was the same since I was a baby...athough it makes sense, our skin comes off (eugh) our hair grows out, our nails grow out etc etc. A bit freaky though!

Sheesh I learn a lot through my blog!

Hi dan and welcome! Thanks for the compliments ^_^ I adore compliments! I guess what you are saying is very, very correct. I appreciate the fact that had I been any different in my past I would not be who I am today. Learn from your experiences and all that.

Oh Sylvie, my La Rochelle neighbour...C'est toi qui est une fine lady!!! x x

ColbyPants said...

o6/09 and I will be 28. Almost 30, do I have to act like a grownup then?

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Please don't act like a grown up :-(

You are halfway to 56 though...argh!

Still, don't act like a grown up!

Miss Despina said...

I think that people who love themselves are much better at giving love to others,and so in a relationship, the one love feeds the other love and the love grows because of this.