Wednesday, June 06, 2007

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter


I had a minor operation today. A big chunk of my leg is sitting in some laboratory in Edinburgh.

(I apologise for being utterly vile)

While waiting for the op I took a stroll around the building, past the wards and clinics. The stench of hospital was strong and heavy in my nostrils and the artificial light began to burn my weary eyes.

I regularly attend this hospital, and know the area of the third floor like the back of my hand. All, except the GUM clinic. I ended up in this delightful little treatment centre by turning right when I normally turn left at the end of the corridor.

Posters screaming ‘Be safe; wear a condom,’ and ‘Don't be silly, protect your willy,' and ‘Chlamydia; the silent disease,’ and ‘if you really love her, wear a cover,’ and ‘Bag that mole then go for her hole’. Ok perhaps I imagined that last one, but you get the picture.

The waiting room, an L shaped space with orange and yellow walls that looked as though it was last decorated in the ‘70’s, was full of spotty teenagers and older men. To my surprise there was not one single couple there. To my left there was a small group of girls, chatting quietly and looking nervous, to my right, men sat alone, staring morbidly into space.

I turned back on my heels to get out. Bumping into something standing in the doorway, I looked up to see a policeman.

I gulped. Policemen scare me. They make me nervous. They make me feel guilty, even though I’ve never committed an illegal act in my life. Well not really (taking a Mars Bar from the corner shop when I was 12 doesn’t count, does it?).

This particular cop was extremely tall and well built with spiky silver hair and a rather large gut that sat out over his black trousers. I could see his nipples through his white shirt.

On his arm, however, there appeared to be a chain attached to another man. A prisoner. A prisoner on a day trip.

The prisoner was a shorter, somewhat weedy looking guy. His brown hair flounced out at the ends, his cheeks were rather rosy, his nose was covered in veins. The veins stretched out across his cheeks, like whiskers, making him look like a cat. And he did indeed look like a harmless pussycat. But there was absolutely no doubt that this man attached to the cop’s arm was a prisoner.

I stood back and allowed the two dark figures to enter the sexual health clinic and I wandered back through the corridors thinking that it must be true what they say about not bending over to pick up the soap in the prison showers.

13 comments:

T.D. Newton said...

I can just imagine the marketing meeting for those posters. When all else fails, rhyme.

On my own little down-note, I paid $16.25 to send my book proposal. Funnily enough, that's about $6 more than I actually have in my bank account... and my rent check hasn't cleared yet. Keep your fingers crossed (for multitudinous reasons). On the bright side, having sent the damn thing in an Overnight envelope may garner me a bit more notice than regular post in a plain business envelope (or it may just make me look like an egotistical plebe, who knows).

I'm nervous. I hate overdraft fees.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

OOOOH! Fantastic news TD! Well not about the overdraft fee of course...hmm perhaps you should sell something on ebay! If you put up an american football jersey for sale I'm pretty sure a certain FP woud buy it as he appears to have an ebay american football jersey addiction.

You could always check down the back of your sofa, there is no doubt you'll find a good few dollars down there.

It's so cool you've sent your book proposal off, I'm excited for you! Fingers are crossed, although I'm sure it's not needed.

You should be partyin' tonight, I hope you will!

Plebe is the best word ever. I'd be quite happy to be called a plebe. In fact I might change my pseodonym to Plebe.

T.D. Newton said...

I got the word from HBO's series ROME which I have watched almost the entire first season of because it is SO good. Bloody, violent, incredibly sexual; all the things an HBO series should be.

I just might party a little tonight... I was planning on going to the gym but seeing as how I've put that off for two nights already I think I'll have some chocolate martinis instead.

ColbyPants said...

TD I wanna read the book.


Princesse : best. post title. ever!

Zhu said...

Oh, what a day for you ! Being in hospital is creepy enough whithout having to witness a remake of Prison Break or I don't know what.

I can't stand hospital. The smell kills me, makes me feel sick.

What happened to the big chunck of leg ?

Princesse Ecossaise said...

I'm going to show my ignorance here and ask what is an HBO series?

haha tom I'm glad you appreciated the post title!

euch i'm not sure what happened to the big chunk of leg! They took it away 'cause it didn't look 'right' so biospied it. Now I got thread in my leg and it's agony today! :-(

Despinová said...

Hope you're feeling better soon Princesse! Was there also the rather confusing "don't bungee without a rope"? Hope the policeman looked away...

T.D. Newton said...

HBO is an American television network that you have to pay extra to have. They're allowed to swear and show nudity and violence that other networks aren't (sounds weird, I know).

Update... the bank says I officially have 68-cents in my account. I didn't overdraft... so either there was something wrong with my math or I've seen yet another miracle in this writing-quest that I'm on.

Colby, why do you want to read the book?

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Merci, merci Despinova! (What is thankyou in czech?!)

I do hope the policeman looked away as well :-( it couldn't have been a very pretty site. I wonder if they stayed attached by the chain during the examination? hmmm...

I see TD, I aint ever heard of that before, I don't think we have such a thing. Well we do have channels that one must pay extra for, I just go with Freeview! Extra channels for free!

Good news on the 68 cents man! But...erm...is that enough to keep you going???! You are going to be one of those typical starving writers. Time to use ebay!!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Merci, merci Despinova! (What is thankyou in czech?!)

I do hope the policeman looked away as well :-( it couldn't have been a very pretty site. I wonder if they stayed attached by the chain during the examination? hmmm...

I see TD, I aint ever heard of that before, I don't think we have such a thing. Well we do have channels that one must pay extra for, I just go with Freeview! Extra channels for free!

Good news on the 68 cents man! But...erm...is that enough to keep you going???! You are going to be one of those typical starving writers. Time to use ebay!!

ColbyPants said...

cause I like reading books, and i know of you more thsa the authors of the other books I read, and so why not?


I fanacy myself a writer as well and have a few chapters squirrelled away ina deep dark dungeon (also known as my computer's hard drive). So I was showing support to my fellow scribe as well!

:-P

Jessi said...

Lmao! I'm sure that was quite the little encounter. :-))

Desp. said...

děkuji / děkuju depending on how formal you want to be!