Thursday, June 21, 2007

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure; measure a year?

I wonder how many times I can watch five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes pass by. How long can I hold on for? How many five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes must I keep fighting for?

Last night a phone call from my doctor confirmed things were getting bad. The disease was worsening. Blood tests which had always been good in the past are now all over the place.

An urgent change of treatment is needed and in one week my weary veins shall be injected with another potent mixture of drugs by IV.

Intoxicating drugs filtering into my weakened body, once every fortnight, for another five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

Excuse me, illness, but can’t you go away for a while so that I can have a life again?

Every new treatment is one step closer to hopelessness. One day I will reach a point where there is no ‘next step’. There will be no more ‘possible treatments’. No more potent drugs to intoxicate my body. What do I do then?

Is it better to live with no hope rather than be hopeful every time a new treatment is commenced, only to be terribly disappointed when, 6 months down the line, instead of getting better, my health is considerably worse?

How do you measure; measure a year?
In daylights,
In sunsets,
In midnights,
In cups of coffee,
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife?

I’d like to spend five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes living, not existing. I’d like to measure that year by daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee, by inches, by miles, by laughter and strife.

But how to convince your best friends to live their lives to the fullest, because they can? Because you know, that if you had your health back you would be realising every dream you ever had. Because you could.

That’s five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes that I have lost in my life, must I lose another?


Anonymous said...

there is little anyone can say to keep you smiling, but you are in my thoughts, i really hope that you get out of the fug and are able to see the good things in life again soon. xx

Princesse Ecossaise said...

That's a beautiful message, thank you very much! When I see 'anonymous' has commented I aways expect something cruel and nasty, but I am comforted by your words.

The good thing these days is my fugs last a couple of hours and then I'm alright again.

I'm off out tonight with my oldest best friend. We met when we were 4 and were inseperable ever since. I suppose I'm a little nervous to see someone who knew me when I was 'me', I love her to pieces but being with her does remind me of the innocent little girl I once was, the girl who should have grown up to be healthy and happy and energetic and so on.

Lesley said...

Have a great night out. I'm sure your friend will see the real you, not the old you or the you she would like you to be.

ColbyPants said...

It may sound weird but dont live wit or without hope. Just live. What will happen will happen, and there is no use worrying about it (my dads best lesson to me "do not stree out over what you cannot control"). Life is too short 9for any of us) to spend time we could be doing something better worrying.

Hope you have an awesome night!


Ghosty said...

"One day I will reach a point where there is no ‘next step’. There will be no more ‘possible treatments’. No more potent drugs to intoxicate my body."

Hopefully it would be because you're all better and simply won't need treatments anymore.


T.D. Newton said...

Watching anime always makes me feel better.

sugar007 said...

As usual, I am really bad at giving words of comfort, as I get scared that it sounds so hallmarky, but just wanted to give you a cyber hug, and say keep your chin up pet!! Have a good night and I am glad that at this time you will be with people that care and love ya.

The Horns and the Hawk said...

you can't live without hope. the second you don't have hope, your soul begins to die. sure, your body's still their, but what difference does it make when the pilot's gone? don't take hope in no treatments if you can't take hope in them. don't hope for your health, don't hope for yourself. finding something else to give you hope, something else to draw from, but the second you give up hope you're dead.

i feel for you.

Despina said...

Oh Princesse, I'm so upset for you. A good friend of mine suffers from endometriosis and has the same problem with new and changing treatments, and worries about the amount of time she spends in the doctors and in bed. She is however one of the livliest people I know, living her life to the full, and we all hate the fact that her life is interrupted so often.
Allow yourself this time to be upset, you know you have a great gift for living in the future and a boyfriend who thinks the world of you. But make sure you do something this weekend, even if it's just taking a book and sitting in a favourite place.
Hug for you -()- Despina x

sylvie d said...

You sound like a real fighter, I am thinking of you and hope that you do get better. Life can be so complicated, I have learnt from a very young age that life is not fair and can be taken away at any moment especially when least expected. I really feel for you there will be something that will work for you keep
P.S: I will tell Mr K to stop throwing sheeps at you on Facebook!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

hahahaha @ Sylvie! You're so cute!

Thanks to everyone for the kind messages, its always very uplifting for me when I'm feeling down about this and get supportive messages from blog friends, so a big thanks to you all!

It's just life and there is nothing that can be done to change it, so I shall keep carrying on the way I am. One day I may find a place where I can accept that this is who I am now, or maybe one day...maybe one day they will find something that works.

Lis of the North said...

Hi princesse. I guess I have nothing more to add to what's already been said. I think we should all live our lives to the full, we don't need a reason to enjoy this wonderful adventure. Everyone is dealt a mixed hand I think, some get more duff cards than others... Maybe we just have to bluff!
Take care little princesse.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Thankyou Lis, beautiful words. I think you're right, perhaps we do have to bluff to get through life!