Monday, May 14, 2007

Revenge


Walking home from university today with my friend, Indigo, we were deep in conversation.

“What can I buy Tim for our anniversary?”

“Uh…how about a watch?” I guessed.

“Gave him a watch last year.”

“Flying lessons? He wants to be a pilot doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, but his ex girlfriend gave him flying lessons.”

“Oh.”

“Bitch.”

I snigger, “hmmm, I have no idea what you should get him, Indigo. Boys are so hard to buy for.”

“I know, I know…I need to get him somethi-”

“Hey, hey sexy girrrrls,” a sleazy male voice interrupted us.

Looking up from the pavement (I was on dog merde alert), I couldn’t believe who I saw standing before us, blocking our path.

The disgusting slimy pervert who had been turned on by my Cornetto ice cream only a few weeks ago.

I inwardly groan, avoid eye contact and try to step around him. Indigo stares at him, her cheeks blushing.

“Do you sexy ladies have boyfriends, like?” He asks.

“Yes,” we both spit back in unison.

His eyebrows look like caterpillars. He raises them, it makes my stomach turn. He obviously did not recognise me from last time; he said nothing that indicated he remembered his past abusive behaviour.

“Fancy coming out for a drink and some lunch wi’ me ‘n’ ma mate?” He slurs, pointing his knobbly finger, indicating his equally greasy haired ‘mate’.

“No! Eugh,” Indigo cried, clearly disgusted.

“Ah come on baby…just a sandwich…”

His sidekick steps forward, his receding hairline glistening with sweat in the sun. “Yeah…” he snorts, “a sandwich…with us as the bread and you two as the filling,”

The two idiotic pervs guffaw at the seemingly ingenious joke.

Ewww…

Outraged and disgusted, I push past the two and prepare to storm off ahead. But there is an Indigo shaped hole next to me.

I look behind, where she is hitting Perv and his sidekick with her handbag.

Why didn’t I think of that?

After Indigo has finished attacking the two repulsive men, like a scene from old British comedies, she storms past them, links her arm in mine and we march off into the distance, laughing.

“We’ll pay!” Perv shouts into the wind, as if being attacked by a giant green handbag is not obvious enough that he’s getting nowhere.

Indigo and I buy ourselves Cornettos on our way home to celebrate her victory.

It does beg the question though, who ever told this insanely desperate Pervert that harassing girls on the street was a good way to get laid?

18 comments:

T.D. Newton said...

"Walk softly and carry a purse containing a cinder block."

That's funny that they offered to pay. Even pervs can be polite, to some extent, I suppose.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

ha! Yes, it's a British thing, even the worst of us are polite!

Edvard Moonke said...

I wonder what the reaction would have been if the pervs had been dashingly handsome though?

Princesse Ecossaise said...

hmm edvard moonke you seem to be new here, perhaps you haven't read about my love and devotion to my dashingly handsome french prince.

The reaction would have been the same, I assure you.

ColbyPants said...

not that it got this bad, but you have to listen to this song by a band I like. Evidently this happened to the singers frind. there are creepy fucks like that everywhere.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEJYEauuoY8

I would have liked to see the thrashing he got (whats a cornette?)

TomC

ColbyPants said...

pa guys are easy to buy for, for example, buy me cigars, american bourbon whiskey, baseball stuff, or you know dinner(especially with ice cream for dessert)and I am happy!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

"One night in jail it was getting late.
He was butt-raped by a large inmate, and he screamed.
But the guards paid no attention to his cries."

I like this tune, it's catchy! I had to look up the lyrics to properly understand though. It's sad cos this kind of thing happens far too often and girls are often not believed..its so hard to prove. And then there are the girls who actually did consent and then regret it so take the guy to court who then goes to prison for nothing. So difficult.

And a cornetto is an ice cream in a cone, mmmm delish!

All men say they are easy to buy for, but thats a lie! Surely there would be a point when you got fed up of cigars, bourbon, dinners and baseball stuff, and you wanted a surprise for a change!

Well this is the way girls think. It says it in the Bible.

"Boys are hard to buy for. Fact."

Lis of the North said...

Boys are hard to buy for!
Maybe Indigo could take her lover out for a posh dinner? Or tickets to a show or concert?
As for your perv, I can't believe you were unlucky enough to cross paths with him again. Had he washed since?
I'm just relieved that he seems "harmless" enough, if a little deluded as to his attractiveness.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

hahaha Oh Lis you crack me up!!

By the smell of him I don't think he had washed since I last met him; it smelled as though he had covered up his stench with cheap cologne. *bleugh*

Sebastien said...

Probably so drunk most of the time he no clue what he's saying, nor any shame...

ColbyPants said...

like lis said, unlike the dude in the song, at least your perv, while annoying as fuck, does not seem to be dangerous to this point.

and my girlfriend read the buying for guys part of the post and turned to me and said "If I bought you a box of cigars for every gifty situation forever, youd propose tomorrow, I bet"

and she might be on to something ;)

TomC

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Yes, Perv doesnt seem too dangerous or threatening, especially when he was squealing like a girl when Indigo hit his balls with her handbag!

Damn it Tom, I thought you were gonna say your girlfriend agreed with me!

alexgirl said...

I hate annoyong pervs.
Ugh.
How about a Wii for Indigo's boyfriend!! That's what mine's dying for.

Zhu said...

You were, I quote, "on dog merde alert" - wow, you really learned a lot of things in France ! :D :D

Princesse Ecossaise said...

alexgirl, you have hit the nail on the head there, a wii sounds a great present! I'll mention it to Indigo, and it's also at the back of my mind for FP's birthday in a few months! Great boy gift!

Shit, FP probably just read that.

Zhu, let me tell you, I learnt a LOT of valuable lessons while living in France. I consider the lesson of avoiding dog merde the most valuable.

ColbyPants said...

shit, will someone buy me a wii while they are at it, I have been playing nintendos since the original 8 bit Sper Mario days. . .

Princesse Ecossaise said...

I love Super Mario!! The old school games were the best; sonic the hedgehog etc

If you had to choose between a wii or a box of cigars what would you choose?!

ColbyPants said...

cigars.

but if I got a wii, I would not complain

;)