Friday, May 18, 2007

Red Eyes

"The effort by which each thing endeavors to persevere in its own being is nothing but the actual essence of the thing itself."

Benjamin Spinoza


Where did my life go? I’m scared to leave my apartment, for fear people stare at me, laugh at me, upset me. My apartment is safe. It’s safe to be alone, far from real people, far from the real world that is full of so many cruel human beings.

Months and months and months of being shut off from the real world. Perhaps it’s been years, I have lost track of time, lost track of the many hours, perhaps days, I sit in my little apartment, alone, taking medication after medication, without ever even opening a window to take a breath of fresh air. I watched as my hair fell out, I watched as it grew back in, slowly. I watched as scars developed, I watched as they continued to grow, an indication on the exterior of my body, to tell me how bad I was on the interior.

I wonder if my body will ever recover. Will the scars heal? What about the internal scars; the mental and emotional scars that tear me up inside? The loss of confidence, the loss of identification. Where is the ghost of my former self? I lost the irreplaceable.

Sick is so unsexy. Sick is so unbeautiful. Sick takes away all your femininity, all your sexuality, all your outer beauty. To be sick is the opposite of health, the opposite of beauty, the opposite of youth.

I am sick.

I’m stripped bare, my skin and bones are all that’s left of me. My insides are strewn everywhere, my heart rests inside my chest, beating for one man. But the rest of me has gone, worn out, too exhausted to fight any more.

And yet the world continues. Life continues. My family and lover need me. I can’t stop fighting, even if I think I can’t go on much longer, I must keep pushing.

One day it will all be over, scars will fade, tears will dry and I will win the eternal battle. One way or another.

Whether the light at the end of the tunnel is life, or death.

Angel of mine, hold me in your strong arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm scared.


Devil's Son said...

take some rest and get better..

Devil's Son said...

thanks for dropping by....
but i wonder do u read chinese?

anyway,,,good to be here...and i shall come more often..


nice meeting u...

Lis of the North said...

Princesse! You are a strong person, you have already been and lived in a foreign country and I know about the challenges involved there. You have almost completed your degree and are about to join your lover in Paris for your future together.
You're feeling reflective but reflect on the positives! Take it one step at a time and remember that your prince is walking with you.
Take care x

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Oh Lis, thats so very sweet...very poetic! Yes, I need to reflect on the good things, and I normally do. What a bad day I've had. But I'll be fine again tomorrow. Or after exams when the stress disappears hehe.

Devil's son, no I'm afraid I know absolutley no chinese!

sylvie d said...

Princesse I was about to tag it still a good idea?...take good care of yourself voisine

Miss Despina said...

Yes yes yes you will recover. And you are beautiful, you really are, an ugly person could never pretend to be you. Even your scars are beautiful.
Take a day, an hour at a time. If you can't face the world, don't worry. You have faced it before and you will do again.
Despina xxx

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Despina, that is really lovely, thankyou. Words like that come only from a beautiful heart, which I know you possess.

Thankyou everyone for the support today...I maybe shouldn't have written about it, as I know people don't come here to read about depressing aspects such as illness, but today I had no one to talk to, and it helped just to get my feelings out on, well, on screen.

Thanks for all the lovely words.

I feel better tonight, I'm over my little tantrum! Tomorrow will be a fun post, I promise!

Fanton said...

That was a heart-breaking post, but so beautifully written.

I wish you all the best in the world, Princesse.

Zhu said...

Hey, baby girl, what's wrong ? Pace yourself, get some rest, and the future will look brighter...

(although it's true the weather can be depressing in the UK... as the French say... ;-) )

Devil's Son said...

so what are u taking right now?
u are a student right?

Kevin D said...

Here is the deal from us. Get yourself on a Ryanair flight and spend a few days cheering us up in our house in La Rochelle. I think it would do us all good to drink and be merry, bring the Frog too, he can chat with mine ;)

It will all be OK. You sound like you need to smell the sea. Stay with us and relax.

Kevin D said...

PS. I just made you blog of the day. A teeny token of our love.

Tom said...

Hey, Principessa

That was such a powerful, empowering post. It reached to the heart.

Just remember, your blog affirms you! It shows to the world the person that you are - your ultimate strengths, as well as your human weaknesses.

Bare your soul, and it will be protected by your lovers and your friends. Hide it away, and it will shrink to nothing.

I Fuelled you again.

Kind Regards


Miss Despina said...

Are you feeling better Princesse?
You should write about the depressing things too if it helps. Thanks for the comment on my blog too!

Uncle Norman said...

Hello Princesse. Sorry to read you are not feeling too clever. Hope you buck up and start feeling better soon.

I Like your site, very witty and full of fun, apart from when you're tom and dick that is.

Thanks for your comment on my site, sorry I did not get back to you sooner, but I was a little tucked up.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

hello everyone! Thank you all for the messages of Looove...I'm feeling better, so no worries. I know I usually write on my blog every day and after not having been on this weekend I got quite a few emails and comments of "are you okay, where are you?"

I've been out having a life for the first time in weeks! Albeit I was out with my parents and my grandad and my aunt and uncle and so on but I really needed to get out of my little apartment which had turned into my little prison!

Now follows the personalised mesages...

Princesse Ecossaise said...

kevin, your offer REALLY made my weekend!! No joke, I am really touched by the invitation! If I didn't have exams this week and next I'd be over in a flash but listen, me and my frog will be over in La Rochelle in July. We'll all meet up and drink for Europe and I can meet Betty Beecham aka Marie-ange again and we'll have an awesome time! God, that's a huge insentive to get these exams done and out of the way forever! Waaaa I'm excited!

Fanton, Tom and Uncle Norm, great to see you all here! Thanks for the comments, I appreciate it ^_^

Devil's son, yeh I'm a student for the moment but very nearly a fully grown adult...that fact is slightly frightening!

And to my lovely Despy and Zhu, I love you girls, thanks for the support, both your messages gave me big grins that made the dog cower in the corner..!

All my love to everyone! x x x