Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Funny how things change in such a short time.

Funny how the tough stuff in life force us to grow up.

But it’s funny; no matter how bad things are, there are always people worse off than you.


Finally there was a name. Finally I had an explanation.

An auto-immune disease, they said. An illness caused by your immune system attacking itself. Incurable.

Incurable? I asked. Yes, but treatable. It will go away by itself.

Devastating for a 17 year old girl. I lost my hair, I lost my confidence, my faith, my free spirit, my identity…my dreams.

Betrayed by my own body.

It soon became obvious that something was not right on the inside. I became tired, so, so tired. A tiredness that can not be cured by sleep. No matter how many hours of sleep I had, I always woke up feeling like I’d been run over by a truck. My whole body ached.

Every week I was at the hospital, sometimes I had to sit while 30 doctors crowded around me, poking and prodding, asking the same questions over and over again.

I always wanted to be famous. Now I was famous in the medical world. Not exactly what I had meant.

I carried on with my studies. Lived in France. Coped by myself. It was not easy to do, but I did it. I had to. I wasn’t going to give up my life, hopes and dreams because of an illness.

There were times that I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Times when I blamed myself; I must have done something really bad to be punished like this. No treatment seemed to work. Every time my treatment changed I got my hopes up, only to be devastatingly disappointed when it didn't work.

I have fought and fought. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I threaten to give up.

But I won’t.

My life is good…perhaps not as full and as exciting as some. But easier and happier than others.


Funny that I know I am truly lucky in life.

Funny that I am a better person for having suffered.

And it’s funny that one day, when it’s all over, I will be grateful that it happened.


Tokar said...

Hi princess Iv been readin your blog for a while now and I must admit this post is really quite upsettin but at same time nice you seem such a strong girl I hope you get better soon Im glad you have such a strong head on those shoulders keep smiling I admire you

Tok x

Tokar said...

And ps you really are a beautiful writer

Drew said...

You are a strong and powerful writer who brings her audience into your world as easily as opening a door. Fight the good fight and we are here for moral support.

T.D. Newton said...

It's really interesting how fragile these vessels are but they seem to be the most valuable thing in the world to us. Without a body, we have nothing, but some of us still treat them without an ounce of respect.

I have a very good friend who went to China on a missions trip and came back with a stomach parasite that has seriously ruined her for the last few years. She's unable to eat wheat or gluten (which is a huge challenge, trust me) and is in constant pain from what she does eat.

Your story reminds me of hers because you both persevere. There's nothing I could possibly respect more than a person's courage. Decide never to give up, never to surrender, and you have already won.

The Horns and the Hawk said...

TD newton and i share the same friend. i'm convinced that the reason she got this disease is to temper her from something sweet and lighthearted into something even sweeter and more jovial. anyone less goodhearted would become bitter from the experience. and from what i read here, perhaps it's the same for you.

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Thanks for all the lovely comments here everyone. I'm particularly touched by TD and the horns & the hawk, because you both appear to be wonderful mates to your friend, and it's when you hit hard times like sickness that you find out who your real friends are.

It's true; suffering from an illness can either turn someone bitter, or make them a lot more appreciative for the things they actually do have.

I was scared at times that I was angry at the world, angry at others just for having their health. But I managed to turn it around, and I have finally come to the point where I can accept it. I do think I had to go through this suffering in order to change who I was. No more vain thoughts, no more taking things for granted, no more crying over putting a few pounds on. No, I am lucky, because I know what truly matters in life.

And I think those who are supportive of loved ones who are suffering also know what really matters in life.

Sebastien said...

I didn't know this! I'm so sorry... but at the same time, that is such a wonderful attitude to have. Life, is life sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason for certain things, we are promised nothing... not health, not happiness, not safety... but there is one thing we can control, and that's our outlook... some people are negative no matter what, some people are positive no matter what, I'd rather 'try' and be positive no matter what... life is much more pleasant that way!!!!

But I understand what you say about suffering, in my own case, suffering has really opened my eyes! And yeah, sometimes we feel down and just wanna give up, that's normal to feel despondent sometimes... the key is making it through those tough moments. Life is full of little gifts, they are all around us...

Anyways, keep enjoying life, it sounds like you are limited in certain respects, but that doesn't keep you from loving life, and that's soooo important and great!!!!

Princesse Ecossaise said...

Thanks Sebastien, you're right, it's better to live a positive life rather than let everything get you down. It's funny, because sometimes people have to experience a crisis of some sort just to realise this.