Friday, February 23, 2007

J'en ai marre



...I really am so tired of my life right now. With university taking up 80% of my time and hospital appointments taking up the last precious 20% of my time I am getting so sick of my routine. I have no social life whatsoever. I have no time and no energy for a social life. All work and no play makes LJ a very dull girl.

The most annoying thing is that I'm going to be mega stressed non stop until I finish my degree in June. Is it possible for someone to live a life full of studying, uni and traumatic hospital visits for months on end? It seems as soon as I finish one piece of work or one chore, I get another 5 things added to my To Do List and I'm starting to feel like I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really fear for my mood. I fear I will have a nervous breakdown. I can't stand university anymore, I hate it it's too much stress. I know everyone in their final year says they are in the same boat but they aren't all battling an illness at the same time.

I'm kind of lost today. Just wondering how the hell I'm going to be able to get through these last few months. There really aren't enough hours in the day to get everything I need to do done on time as well as having time to relax. I really don't remember the last time I was able to relax, nor to socialise. I used to love socialising, to love going out for a drink or two, to kick back my feet and smile and say 'ahhh it's so nice to take some time off' but that isn't going to happen for a long time. Even when I do take five minutes out I've still got it all in the back of my mind, mentally planning what I have to do next. God I won't even be able to relax with FP in April because work still won't be finished.

And when I think this might be my life forever; stress and complications and nothing is ever simple, I really don't look forward to it. It's a choice between getting a good degree and then a good job and lots of money so never having to worry too much about finance, or choosing a job that doesn't cause too much stress (if there is such a thing) but never feeling comfortable about finance therefore not giving my kids and husband the best life that I can. It's not a choice for me. I HAVE to get the good degree, the good job so that I can be the woman I always dreamed of being; with the nice house, the stylish clothes, the car, the dog, the 3 happy children and the handsome intelligent husband. I have to keep pushing myself; to eventually be able to stick my two fingers up at my illness and say 'haha you didn't stop me from achieveing my goals'.

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